What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
