This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
