a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
