Three words: puerto rican gang bang
she woke up with a sticky ear
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
