Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
