i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
