I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
