After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
