Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
