can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
