OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
