Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
