3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
