filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
