The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
