i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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