Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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