Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
