This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
