You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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