I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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