Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
