phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
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Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
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Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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