So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
