to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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