Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
