I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
