why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
