You're earring is so big in my mouth
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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