Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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