i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
