beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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