I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
