I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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