help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
