R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
