I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
