my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
