i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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