were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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