I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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