I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
