Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
