Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
