i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
