We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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