I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
