when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
