i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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