You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
