last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
