I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
