Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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