Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize