I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
